O God, the Creator and Redeemer of all the faithful, grant to the souls of Thy servants departed the remission of their sins, that, through pious supplications, they. Everyone’s talking about Trump’s first hundred days. The biggest talker is Trump himself. I think it’s healing to remember and pray for loved ones. It’s great that you do that, too. I’m glad we have the hope of being reunited with them. In the Eastern Church, the various prayers for the departed have as their purpose praying for the repose of the departed, comforting the living, and reminding the. Prayer to Our Suffering Savior for the Holy Souls in Purgatory O most sweet Jesus, through the bloody sweat which Thou didst suffer in the. ABCs of Death & Mourning, Jewish Death & Mourning, Shiva. Judaism provides a beautiful, structured approach to mourning that involves three stages. When followed carefully, these stages guide mourners through the tragic loss and pain and gradually ease them back into the world. One mourner said her journey through the stages of mourning was like being in a cocoon. At first she felt numb and not perceptively alive, yet gradually she emerged as a butterfly ready again to fly. The loss is forever, but the psychological, emotional, and spiritual healing that takes place at every stage is necessary and healthy. This article will examine the following topics: Stage one: shiva. Sitting shiva. Arranging the shiva house. After the cemetery. Timing of shiva. Paying a shiva call. Prayer services. Leaving a shiva house. The three day . Shiva is from the word sheva, which means seven. This week is called . All other loved ones are also mourned, but the observances of shiva do not apply. Ideally all of the direct mourners sit shiva in the house of the deceased, for it says, . But one may sit shiva in any home. Particularly, a home of one of the direct mourners will be filled with the spirit of the loved one who is now gone. Memories will come easily there, and part of the comfort of the week of shiva is sharing such memories. It is best for mourners to move into the shiva house together for the week. If this is not possible, designate one home as the shiva house, and those who cannot sleep there may leave after dark to go home, and return to the shiva house early in the morning. To be seen in public would force one to put on an inappropriate . Others must take care of any errands or outside commitments for them. To be seen during the day in public would force one to put on a . When family, friends and neighbors help out during the week and provide for the needs of the mourners, an atmosphere of love, caring and kindness is created. This helps to soften the pain that the mourner so deeply feels. With some exceptions, a mourner refrains from going to work during the week of shiva. Consult your rabbi if pressing financial matters are at hand. Again, shiva is a deeply personal time of reflection, coming to terms with loss and grief, and contemplating the inner spiritual dimensions of life. The workplace draws our thoughts and feelings outward, thus if at all possible, should be avoided. Sitting Shiva. From the time of death until the conclusion of the funeral, the primary focus and concern is on the care of the deceased and the burial preparations. The care for the departed before burial, the eulogy, the actual burial – all are done to honor the one who has died, and not to comfort the mourners. However, once shiva begins, the focus shifts to the mourners. The mourners experience a week of intense grief, and the community is there to love and comfort and provide for their needs. This is a critical point, for if one must feel the heart- wrenching pain of grief and loss, it should be done at a time when all those around are there to help and comfort. People are confused as to how to sit shiva and how to properly pay a shiva call. Because people do not know, and because talking about death makes people nervous and awkward, the shiva house often turns into a festive gathering filled with nervous chatter, instead of the proper house of mourning. The laws of mourning have the purpose of focusing a person on their own spirituality. We experience an overall feeling of physical discomfort as we totally focus on the soul of the one who has departed. We de- emphasize our own physicality by not pampering our bodies, so we remember that what we are missing at this time is not the physical person who is gone, but the essence of who that person was, which of course is their soul. The overall focus throughout the week is: I am a soul, my loved one is a soul. Arranging The Shiva House. The physical set- up of the shiva house includes the following: Memorial Candle – A person's soul is compared to a flame, since each person brings light into the world. And just as one can take from a flame to light more candles without diminishing the original flame, so too a person can give of him/herself, touching many lives, without ever being diminished. The wick and the flame are also compared to the body and soul, and the strong bond between them. And just as a soul always strives upward for what is good and right, so too a flame burns toward the heavens. Thus a memorial candle is lit in the shiva house and remains burning publicly 2. When you look at the candle, remember that your loved one's soul is eternal. This thought can help bring light into the darkness in which you are now immersed. Chairs – The people sitting shiva are required to sit low as a sign of mourning. Funeral homes often provide chairs with shortened legs for this purpose. One can also remove the cushions of a couch or chair and use that. Some have the custom of actually sitting on the floor. This is a physical symbol of the loneliness and depression that a mourner feels. Regular chairs should be placed in front of the mourner, so visitors paying a shiva call can sit close and provide emotional comfort. Jewish mourning is supposed to be lonely, silent; dwelling on one's personal loss. Covering the mirrors symbolizes this withdrawal from society's gaze. Prayer services, commonly held in the shiva house, cannot take place in front of a mirror. When we pray, we focus on God and not on ourselves. Physical relations between a husband and wife are suspended during the week of shiva, and thus the need for physical beauty is removed. Shoes – A mourner should wear either stocking feet or slippers not made of leather. This symbolizes, again, the disregard for vanity and physical comfort. One who is mourning also refrains from the following: Bathing or showering for pleasure (one can do so for cleanliness)Wearing make- up and anointing (with creams, perfume, etc.)Getting a haircut (applies for the first 3. Nail trimming. Wearing freshly- laundered garments (unless his clothes become soiled); underwear and socks may be changed. Wearing new clothes. Washing clothes. Marital relations. After the Cemetery. Immediately upon returning from the cemetery after the burial, and before entering the shiva house, the mourners and anyone else who attended the burial perform a ceremonial washing of the hands (using washing stations provided by the funeral home, or buckets and a cup). When one has come in contact with death, it is proper to pour water three times over each hand (alternating hands each time) in order to focus on life. Water is the source of all life, and thus we pour it over our hands as a physical act that has spiritual ramifications. The first thing the mourners do upon entering the shiva house is to sit down (again, low) to a . The meal they must eat speaks to that part of them and says, . You must affirm life and live. The mourner always eats sitting low. Timing of Shiva. The seven- day period of mourning begins immediately after the burial. Thus, the first day of the shiva is the day of the burial. If the funeral was on a Tuesday, the last day of shiva is the following Monday. If a Jewish holiday (for example, Rosh Hashana) falls during the seven days, shiva ends the afternoon just prior to the holiday. In such a case, it is considered that you mourned for seven days, even though it was cut short. If a person passes away during a holiday, the burial and shiva are done when the holiday is complete. If one passes away on Shabbat, the burial is done the next day. When Shabbat falls during the shiva, it is counted as one of the seven days of mourning, but one does not mourn publicly. This means that the outer signs of mourning (covering mirrors where others can see, sitting low, wearing mourner's garments, etc.) are suspended, because the joy of Shabbat overrides even public mourning. The outer signs of mourning are suspended before the beginning of Shabbat so that a person has time to properly prepare. On Shabbat, people sitting shiva mourn in their hearts. On Saturday night, the shiva resumes. Paying a Shiva Call. When one pays a shiva call, the focus is on comforting the mourners in their time of greatest grief. Traditionally, one enters the shiva house quietly with a small knock so as not to startle those inside. No one should greet visitors; they simply enter on their own. Food or drinks are not laid out for the visitors, because the mourners are not hosts. They do not greet the visitors, rise for them, or see them out. One who has come to comfort a mourner should not greet the mourners. In fact, it is best to come in silently and sit down close to them. Take your cue from the mourners. If they feel like speaking, let them indicate it to you by speaking first. Then you can talk to them, but what about? Let them lead and talk about what they want to talk about. It is best to speak about the one who has passed away, and if you have any stories or memories to share with the mourner, this is the time to do so. If you have any stories or memories to share with the mourner, this is the time to do so. This is not a time to distract them from mourning. Out of nervousness, we often babble on about nonsense because we do not know what to say. Often, the best thing to say is nothing. A shiva call can sometimes be completely silent. If the mourners do not feel like talking at that time, so be it. Your goal is not to get them to talk; it is to comfort them. Your presence alone is doing that. By sitting there silently, you are saying more than words can. You are saying: . I feel your pain. There are no words. Here are examples of things not to say. Each person feels a unique loss.). Don't fill in the time talking about happy subjects or inconsequential topics like politics or business. Remember that speaking about the loved one they lost is comforting. It's alright if they cry; they are in mourning. It is all part of the important process of coming to grips with such a loss.
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